Remembering you...

 

And if I was to think of you again,

you remind me of all the gentle things in life.

Like the comfort of my pink blanket,

a hand to hold on to,

a shoulder I could cry on,

the one that never got sore from the weight of my tears,

like a brush of wind, 

from familiar trees that felt like home.

And now, seasons later,

You remind me of a butterfly

that flutters its wings when you try to catch it,

like the tea when its cold,

like the sky after the sun sets.

You hold beauty in all the forms!

But to love you, 

is to let you go!

We hurt, we heal, we grow!

Nostalgia is a liar! It wraps up your memories into the best packaging especially when you're trying to leave someone and does the complete opposite when you're trying to hold on to the memories of someone- Bam! you cannot recall a single thing. Leaving someone isn't easy, it's not a one time jump from a cliff, it's a process that you go through every morning you wake up and every night you spend. What is that someone is YOU- A version of you, a version that's no longer serving any good? People keep stressing how we should be unapologetically ourselves, but don't you think it is important to stop, acknowledge that at times we can be toxic too and owe ourselves an apology? I was aware that growing up comes along with a lot of heartbreaks, what I didn't know was that the heartbreaks didn't just mean ending your first relationship, it also meant facing the world you're not prepared for after college. It's ruthless out there! Sometimes we give so much to everyone and everything that after a point it starts feeling empty, misplaced and lost. I could no longer recognize the person that I had become in these past few months. I went from being strong and fierce to letting people overstep, from hardworking to taking things for granted, from being wise to absolutely foolish. I made plenty of mistakes after I landed my dream job, lost it all in a whim and then let love destroy me in ways unimaginable. In the past 1.5 years that I was away, I tried writing several articles after each heartbreak, but somehow nothing felt good enough to post. I guess a part of me was also going through an identity crisis, it wasn't just a writers' block, it was a truckload of self-doubt if I could ever write again. What suddenly changed is that this self-doubt started leaking into other aspects and then followed a sudden need to cut off this gruesome thought process. A cycle of constant falling into my comfort zone, sticking to it and denying the reality made me go through a lot of discomfort and unworthy experiences that I was never meant for. However, discomfort is also a price we pay for learning something crucial. The universe has a magical power to first put you in it and then help you through it. I've never been underwater for so long. I'm not sure if I'm compiling a story to tell right now, an experience that I cherish or a lesson to share, all I know is that I am desperately trying to be myself, to be someone brave to share her stories, to not seek validation and get over the fear of not being perfect, to pick up the pen and just feel right about it. Like I belong here, in these pages and words that have always kept my spirits high. We all need to lose that version of ourselves over and over again until we wake up and realize that it doesn't exist anymore. The beauty of life is that each moment is going to be a choice- to change, to evolve, to be different, to be better. No one is entitled to any more time than you are comfortable sharing yourself and that has been the most empowering thing I have learnt in the past year. So be selfish! Not everyone is worthy of experiencing the universe inside you or knowing the struggles you go through when you build yourself. We hurt, we heal, we grow! In no time, you will find yourself dreaming again, believing in your dreams, making them come true and meanwhile, there will always be mountains to climb and sunsets to watch.

 

 
PS: In these testing times, if you've been surviving too, I'm proud of you.

#CityLove

It had only been a while since we met,

When you offered me the time I never gave myself,

When liberation was all that ran through my veins,

When I walked the path, alone and undaunted.

Most times gathering the strength to keep my faith,

I still found joy;

 In the lights and the music tapes,

In the songs of new people, 

Who never kept my happiness at stake,

In the comfortable silences, 

along the lake,

Where the wind that brushed through my face,

I felt I was home again.

And when it was time to leave,

I felt weak in my knees

though never uttered a word,

For I had had the happiest times of all.

But now that I'm gone, I know you'd be the same.

For how large was I to move the Universe,

Only as big as a speck of dust,

And so, we will watch me go.

In all Solitaire,
For I'd leave here all that you gave me,
Except the love and the memoir,
We will watch the pain that throbs down my soul.

The Universe with all its randomness,

must have another miracle to keep me sane,

And I shall cherish you till long,

For you've been my home.

It'd only been a while since we met,

And all I wanted for us was to last till the end.

Parallel Universe

A place where I hop in more often,
A place where I confided,
Hidden from the reality,
I'd talk like a crazy. 
A place full of smiles
And a bed of roses.
Where my insecurities didn't rent a home,
And my fears didn't share my room,
Tears were sent to blazes,
And my happiness was all that wasn't hazy.

But as I grew up,
Little did I know that it would become
Of wolves and witches,
Of fears but not praises,
Of hollow condolences and worries,
Of suicidal thoughts and melancholic mazes.
The journey was yet to be taken.
Alone.
And then I realized,
It was just a parallel universe,
that once resided in me.

Hold on!

 Afflicted. Somewhere in the corner of a suffocating classroom, opened up a heart to another. I couldn't fathom the easiness of how that friend could convey such a major part of his life to me in a few seconds. Perhaps surviving a life threatening disease was like a child's play for him but it certainly made me reflect on a lot of things. That's the beauty of perspectives, I guess. In the midst of a tea break involving giggles and smiles, he brought tears to my eyes. Most definitely, it was unintentional. Or maybe, it was the universe asking me to be stronger and stronger, day by day, moment by moment. In just a fraction of a second, I realized how small my woes were and how the universe could be even worse. You can never judge the struggles of a person sitting next to you, with a wide misleading smile. All these people who have been holding onto life when it has wrenched you over and over, this poem is dedicated to you all!

Hold on!
For a moment if you can,
The stars are lit,
The grass is still green,
And all you have to do is,
Stand on your feet.

Once you learn to stand strong,
and make the adversities go around,
Yours will be the stage to perform,
And make the world so profound.

The poetry,
The melody,
is for you to play,
but now if you give up,
who else is gonna stay.

The remorse would never be worth the effort,
But a failure would rather give some comfort.
An attempt will be a wiser choice,
For the inner self would at least rejoice.

Hold on!
For a moment if you can,
The stars will always be lit,
The sun will wait to shine,
but the soul brit once,
will never come alive.

I don't want to think of all misery, but the beauty that still remains in the conversations, the heartaches, the mid-life celebrations and the bonds, which though do not last a lifetime but do provide enough comfort to live in that moment.

Stay

Stay,

Because in another life, or in another time,

We will not be the same.

Those across the table glances and the laughs,

Will never be fully mine.

Stay,

A while longer today,

Because tomorrow we will be gone again.

You’ll be elsewhere

And I will be halved again.

Stay,

For a lifetime if you can,

If they take you away,

I’ll come again.

Looking for you on the same way,

On the same streets where your lips touched mine,

And I was on cloud nine.

I feel, and I know,

Your skin breathes the same peace,

And so I’ve etched it on mine.

Your heart mumbles the same rhythm,

And so our souls shine.

Drown into my memories,

until I bump into you 10 years down the lane,

Where your heart skips a beat again,

And all our wishes come alive.

Stay,

I know that our love is true,

Though the world may not appreciate it,

But I will always do.

For the souls that connect, are only a few.

PC: Google Images

The Magic Stick

I don't know whether it is the 2 a.m. thoughts or the 5 a.m. ones, or the chills that kept me up all night until I poured this out, which is very unlucky, for you and for me. I do realize that these thoughts cost me my sleep, that too on the days when I should be snoring out of tiredness. These chills, or the thoughts are nothing but scorpions of emotions that cover up my rationale and haunt me to an extent that I end up making forceful efforts to be able to cope up with the unwanted reality. Also, enchant prayers with unmitigated hope. 
No matter if it is independence day today, or my birthday is just around the corner, or if the air around me encompasses yet another six months of freedom- this scorpion will creep up and sting until the time I bleed, profusely. The scorpion could mean various other things for you, but for me, it is just about how all the good things come to an end. Although, we live with miraculously high hopes and ardent expectations, at some point or the other, life throws 'the end' right in our faces and we have no option but to accept it. I do not know that why am I not able to embrace the beginnings as much as I dread the endings? Why do I want to leave the show before it is all over, when all I should do is stay. Why does everything get screwed when it just reaches a point of perfection? You know what marks the end for me? It is when things are most beautiful but they change with the following sunrise. When that sunrise feels as dark as a black hole. When even though you can feel a hand that could lead you to brightness, but you want to give up. When you desperately go into denial and then gradually move to acceptance. As Khaled Hosseini said, "Life goes on, unmindful of beginning, end....crisis or catharsis, moving forward like a slow, dusty caravan of kochis (nomads)." The Earth is someday going to succumb under the weight of all these hurtful feelings and the people who cause them, both me and you.  The wonderful thing, is that we keep forming new bonds till our last breath, more because none of them are going to serve us forever. And in those times, my pen works as my magic stick. I call it 'magic' because in the world, where everything is subject to change,this shall stay forever. It has managed to escape the fundamental law of nature and will always give you comfort during hardships. Your magic might be different from mine but remember, there is an antidote to all the scorpion stings. Nobody, but you are the one who has to seek it. Don't forget to find yours, love. Among the gloomy days, I really hope everybody is able to find the magic stick of their life.

Image source: Google images

Grey!

PS: This piece of work is original and was found in my notepad. Feedback is welcomed. :)

A short story- Destinations undefined!

The day had been quite long and Mariam just wanted to throw herself on the bed and doze off but just like several other days, she had several emails to go through and many files that needed urgent attention. She had to pack up to return home too. This travelling for work experience sounded fascinating and as much as her love for health, she had this urge to maintain her commitments. She just could not find ways to reduce her hatred for people who were unprofessional and hence, she could not afford to be one. If someone did not reply to her emails for 24 hours, it changed the way she perceived them. She had this unnatural flair to succeed, to do well, and to be a philanthropist. May be deep down, she wanted to give back to her parents.

It was a foggy day in Cochin when Mariam woke up realizing that she was already late. She took the cab and reached the airport.

“Madam, your change!” shouted the cab driver.

“It’s okay. You can keep it,” she said.

When she headed towards the entrance, a brief thought whooshed by. A childhood memory. No, not of her present home but of a small place in Shimla, where they were not ready to let off a penny without a worthy reason. She abandoned the thought and continued moving. Not until the security check, she was relieved seeing the delay due to fog.  She decided to go grab a coffee.

“One coffee, please!” She asked a girl.

“I’ve finished my shift for the day. You can wait for the other person to take your order,” she replied.

It took a moment for Mariam to take in that rude behavior but she decided to wait. She was perplexed about the unreasonable charges topped with unruly behavior of the staff. Well, this was not just another day when you let go off people like that. She bought two coffees and resorted to find the girl. She wanted an apology and not a friend. Mariam had unusual ways to deal with people, but most of the times, it worked right. May be, she wanted to splurge out her frustration on the girl and make her realize her wrongdoings. She spotted the girl taking off her apron and collecting her belongings to leave.

“Hey, up for a coffee?”

“Hello. Thanks madam but I see no reason why you should buy me one, especially when it is at these unaffordable prices”

“Umm, I was wondering if I could buy some of your time in exchange. You see, my flight is delayed and it is just 5:30 am. The airport is too empty to find any company. Shall we?”

Mariam could read her face. She seemed confused but her unruliness was definitely going off guard. With the inherent warmth that Mariam had, she could almost feel that one kind look was all that was needed to deal with the rude behavior of people, at times.

Both of them sat down, facing each other. They did not look quite different. Like any other conversations, this too, started with knowing about the names and place they belonged too.

Reena, was her name. She wasn’t as tall as Mariam and mostly had an exhausted face. No, not the one that people have after work. The one that was several layers deep and Mariam could see that. Each passing second, she only got more intrigued to know about Reena.

“Thank you for the coffee, madam. Here is my share. I know you might think that it is something unaffordable for a ground staff and it also is but I appreciate your gesture. I shall leave now.”

“Reena, I cannot accept this. It was nice to know you. If you really feel that you owe me something, let us spend some more time together. Are you in a hurry to reach anywhere?”

“Well, not really. There is no home to go to as such.”

Mariam could feel her need to open up.

“How much time do you have?” Reena asked.

“Around two hours, I guess.”

She took her seat again. This time more comfortably.

Mariam told Reena about her life in Delhi. This was something that intrigued her and kept her held to the conversation.

“I wish I could have had a chance too. I lived in a foster home back in Shimla and recently shifted to Delhi for work.” And went on saying, “The foster home was no ready to support a 19 year old and I got kicked out. But the last favor that they could do is recommend me for a job, and here I am.”

She ranted about how tiring her work was and how most of the times, she spent those lonely nights finding her purpose of life.

Mariam was however appalled. She told Reena that she had been in the same foster home after her parents death and she was lucky to be adopted by her current family.

Mariam saw that Reena felt dismayed, cursing her fortune. Both of them had one thing in common; one haunting question about why some children were preferred while adoptions and some weren’t.

When Mariam grew up, she always wanted to go back to Shimla and help the kids in foster home but her work always kept her caught. She could see the dismay in Reena’s eyes.

“Would you like to come to Delhi with me?”

“What? Are you crazy? You think I would have stayed here if I had the money to relocate.”

“You can choose to stay with me and work. And I don’t mind paying for your ticket.”

Reena busted out laughing and said, “No madam. You have already been very kind. In fact, I feel sorry for the frustration I showed on the counter. ”

“May be, you can pay back by helping another kid at foster home or anywhere else.”

This led Reena to think and establish that Mariam was serious about what she was saying.

“I think it is a good deal. I get the purpose of my life served while you get a reason to live, isn’t it?”

“You only have a thirty minutes to decide, Reena. I really want you to come. And I promise you’ll be fine.”

Finally, they both boarded the flight together; after seven long years, both headed towards the same destination.

How different shall I be?

I look at my mom,
And my eyes cease for a while,
Adoring the way she loves,
Her selfless instinct and the knowing look, 
To serve the best she can
And be the epitome of a loving soul.

Then in epiphany,
I feel,
how different shall I be!
For a fear haunts me to be like her,
The way everyone takes her for granted
All her selflessness left unrecognized and unrewarded.

How different shall I be?
I ponder....To be on a safer side!

PS: This poem is dedicated to my Mom!