How different shall I be?

I look at my mom,
And my eyes cease for a while,
Adoring the way she loves,
Her selfless instinct and the knowing look, 
To serve the best she can
And be the epitome of a loving soul.

Then in epiphany,
I feel,
how different shall I be!
For a fear haunts me to be like her,
The way everyone takes her for granted
All her selflessness left unrecognized and unrewarded.

How different shall I be?
I ponder....To be on a safer side!

PS: This poem is dedicated to my Mom!

The little girl in me whom I killed

The only thing that envisaged this post, again, was a Facebook memory pop-up. Yes! Again. Because I had dropped the idea of putting something impulsively gloomy. As clichéd and horrendous as it might sound for the people who know me, it was a mere memory of a previous blog post that urges me to jot this down.

Honestly, there have been many valuable bits that I wanted to pen down recently- all happy, extravagantly happy and a few sad ones. Bangalore, sure has been torturing and nurturing in its own way. It has been evolving me in ways unexpected. The only reason I have not been writing is the hectic schedule. The oldest and most unacceptable excuse one could ever make but hold on; I swear this is not a lie. This post, dear friends, is a manifestation of the Human Physiology class on a boring Thursday morning.

As you get the hints of this being yet another post describing a birthday celebration, I confess, some of it is but I promise you shall pick up bits and pieces for yourself too.

Reel.. reel.. reel..

Rewinding life to 20 days back:

As angry and frustrated as I could be, I wanted to break loose of the virtual chains that I felt held me for more time than I could bear. I found myself stuck. Stuck in the air of partial allowances, partial freedom. This air choked me. I always felt like I wanted to break free of the chains that I cannot see but only feel. The chains that keep me tied, though I do not know to what. I fail to comprehend the answer to this question. At times, I feel the unworthiness of being at peace with these chains that hold me. The ones that ask me to shut up when I speak loudly, or the ones that ask me to wear skirts less often, or the ones that ask me to be home before the sun sets. "I wanted to break free and I shall do that and not regret it under any circumstance", I thought.

I was trapped in an illusion of dependency, an illusion of a lack of freedom.

To all the people who have felt the same ever, this is what you need to do- A. Tell yourself that you are stupid and you are beginning to weave a story which shall be a trap. B. Sleep on it.

I cannot fathom the way to make you appreciate the authenticity of this suggestion, but that's what I was made to do and it worked wonders. However, I emphasize that it wouldn't have worked this wonderfully lest I decided to apply it. I started reading a book titled, "The Power Of Your Subconscious Mind" by Dr. Joseph Murphy and came across a really nice anecdote I could relate to. Here it goes-

"Once Enrico Caruso, the great operatic tenor, was struck with stage fright. Spasms caused by intense fear constricted the muscles of his throat. His vocal cords felt paralyzed, useless. He stood backstage, already in costume, while perspiration poured down his face. In just moments, he was supposed to go out on stage and sing, before an eager audience of thousands.

Trembling, he said, "I can't sing. They will laugh at me. My career is finished."

He turned to go back to his dressing room, then suddenly, he stopped and shouted, "The little me is trying to strangle the Big me within!"

He turned toward the stage again and stood taller. "Get out of here," he commanded, addressing the Little Me. "The Big Me wants to sing through me."

..... When the call came, he walked out onstage and sang gloriously and majestically. The audience was enthralled." 
I had read this long back but never really gone deep into it. However, I followed that suggestion and the next morning when I woke up- I was the same but the urge to escape was a little less, the comfort in the air was a little more and the aura of acceptance within had increased several fold. The dust had settled after the emotional turmoil. I wish I could recall in detail what was the process of the huge transformation in that one small afternoon. All I can do is, sum it up in one sentence: The 'Little Me' always tries to strangle the 'Big Me' within. It was the little girl in me whom I killed. That's what we need to do at times. Once you kill it, you're free. You have the power to do almost anything that you set your mind to.

In both the cases, nothing in the outer world had changed; it was only the mindset within. It is about you, always. This is what I learnt in one afternoon, but actually in years of craving for independence. 

Moving forward to my Birthday:

Apart from the Facebook pop-up, I must admit that it is a word of encouragement from a friend who led me to something that you read on the screen before you. It is also to recall how amazing a birthday celebration I've had. As one of my friends rightly said, "We will not just celebrate this as your BirthDAY... Let's make it a Birthday Weekend." I remember the post published last Birthday and reading through that somehow amazed me that how happy and beautiful life has been. How each person on my priority list continues to be so loving, living up to all the expectations and dreams that we weave through. Hence, my dearest bhaiya, I cannot tell you how much I missed you last year, Oh wait, not you. Only the fun that we had this time. And before I go ahead, let me please steal a moment to thank all the people who made it a day worth remembering and a life, worth living. To the friends who arranged a surprise party a day before, thank you that you moved your lazy asses on a holiday and went that extra mile to make me feel special. To the long distance friend, who struggled for a month to find my kind of  tshrt for me, I'm sorry for being a trouble but you know how I love to see you working hard for these little things. To the roommate who arranged cakes, gift and card all by herself just to show how much I mean to her, I'd say I am glad to have you. To that idiot who woke up early just to say, "Good morning, birthday girl" and to the person who wrote the beautiful poem for me, thank you! I shall cherish that life long. To the siblings who are yet to send in their gifts, I'll thank you later, but you definitely make me laugh a little harder. To my lifeline here, I cannot thank you ever enough because you will never be able to comprehend how beautiful you make my life here (apart from the nasty scoldings when I was ill). That little cupcake with wishes scribbled by the spoon was the cutest thing ever. Thank you for the paramount attention and time that you render to me. Also, to all the people who flooded my inbox with so many good wishes, thank you so much! I know this gets a little too personal here, but, dear readers, the purpose is to make you realize that there are little things in life that we need to be happy about. There are times when people will make us feel special and there will also be times when we need to tell ourselves that we are important and our existence should be worthy. My brother says that we are like a speck of dust in the universe and our existence shall make little or no difference to it. But, here we are, not to make a difference to it, but to make a difference for ourselves.

Let me not drag this like most of my conversations, the reason to connect this is that just a few days back the air choked me because I thought I had no freedom. And look at the irony, the girl who cribbed about freedom was doing all that she ever wanted to do, having an almost perfect celebration for Birthday. Of course, we all have our own definition of freedom and I remodeled mine too. 

PC:Google Images

I wouldn't get into the details of how, what and when but all I want to say is that I just decided to believe that it was a false story my mind was trying to make up. Guess what, the universe did manifest to prove that all those were just false stories and there was nothing that I was bound to! Nothing changed and yet everything did. 

The "Little Me" is present in all of us. It will always try to belittle us, tell us that we aren't loved, we aren't capable and we cannot have what we wish for. All we need to do is Shut it up as all the beauty and love in the universe is just waiting for us to grab it.

With love. Delivered to: Heaven

In the memory of the most special soul I am blessed with.


With a laughter worn like a crown,
you giggled in the blazing sun,
and cracked me up at the break of the dawn.
Missing you in randomness,
I hug the doll that you used to kiss.
Are you still here in the midst of lights,
Or in the joyful nights that set me upright?

Do you still savour the time,
when we baked not a cake,
but had one for 'their' date?
Do you still relish playing outside with kids,
and tell them the tales of your new home?
Or push the stars to sleep on their own. 
Do you still like having the TV remote,
Or do you now rejoice in nature's beauty alone?

Your eyes being your greatest asset,
I wonder if they're still on my clothes;
Or do they now just follow me back home.
Your tresses being your first love,
I wonder if you now like mine,
Or do you just embrace the beauty within that shines?

Your white frock that longs to be worn,
do you still like it the same?
Or do you now embrace the new one,
that might be just as great.
Your benignity made a mark on the world,
Are you proud of it?
Or did you just enjoy playing in the mud.

Are you here with me?
Like you've always wanted to be?
In your angelic appearance,
that always fascinated you as wee.
Do you cry when my sorrow vines?
Or just shower the light of the Divine.

Though I buried you in your grave,
you did not die.
I know you're there,
kissing me every time I cry.

MAKING NO SENSE IS SENSE

The other day we had a new roommate in our room. She was a 35- year old woman amidst the twenties-people in the room. It isn’t ambiguous that she must have felt lost. I must say she must have a good observation that just the next day she told me, “I have never seen a person as confused as you. *laughs*” This statement came when I couldn’t decide whether to have breakfast first or go take a bath. Oh yes! At times it takes me 10 whole minutes to decide things as simple as this. I guess I could make anyone feel better who thinks he/she has lost her way in life because I have always found myself “lost and obfuscated”. Well, jokes apart! Unambiguity and uncertainty, both are a part of life and hence we all think before we take up any big decision that might lead to a different road in life. I often find myself making the simplest situations seem cryptic, not knowing where to go, which path to take. There are so many people out there to tell you what to do (especially if you’re a girl). I don’t mean to bring out the sexist, feminist or misogynist view here, but let’s agree to the fact that there is hell lot of gender stereotyping in our country and there is no escape from it no matter how hard you try. Okay, I diverted here. Let me get straight to the point why I decided to write this. Let me not make this “cryptic” for you. Let me not make it apparent that this isn’t like a life which now and then feels like a spider web. I write this because someday during the monsoons, this girl realized that life was always about FINDING YOUR TRUTH. No matter if N number of saints told you that there is no definite truth, but most of us love categorizing things in two extreme directions. On one hand, we have our life mentors guiding us on what is right and what is not and on the other hand, at times we find ourselves doing things that doesn’t fit into everyone’s right. Some of us might have known by now where do we have to reach even if we don’t know a way to it. Like that castle which you can see on the mountain top. Though not knowing the way is blasphemous and there will be always at least two ways shown to you every single time you are confused. Sure, we can choose to take the path most travelled but remember there is a road from everywhere you step in. There aren’t just circumscribed ways to reach your castle. The way to the top is foggy. You can surely follow the voice of a known person you hear from a distance, but remember there could be a shortcut that you might miss.

I know we are compelled to find the best version of ourselves despite the emotional turmoils. Someone wise once said, life is short and spending it well isn’t always about following someone great. It is about having the conviction to go your way and finding your truth. No comparing yourself to anyone, no trying to fit in other people’s “right” even if it makes no sense to others. What is the point if it doesn’t make you feel ten feet tall, if it doesn’t make you feel extraordinary, if it doesn’t lead you to where you want to go. After all, we only get one life. Why not spend it well. Why not be brave enough to be the only ones whom it makes sense to. All I found out is that you do not have to get consumed, you have to prevail.

“The universe is under no obligation to make sense to you.” [Source: Google Images]
And neither are you.

        Picture Courtesy: Google Images

INVERTED

I came across the book The Lonely City, and out of all the other choices I had, I clicked on “Want to read” only under that particular book. Immediately, I pondered what makes me do that. Why didn’t I bother to explore the other books? I am a person who spends a fair amount of time with people, and not to brag, but many are too close to my heart. But to my surprise, I find myself lonely right in the mornings, at times. Aren’t mornings supposed to be happy and refreshing? Isn’t the sun meant to be symbolic of a ray of hope? But very often, I find the sun to be depressing and the night to be healing. The sun, reminding me of the battles I lost yesterday while the stars seeping peace into my soul with each moment I spend staring at them. I find myself hating the sun. Shouldn’t it stop when it knows that the world had come to an end for me before the dawn? Shouldn’t it have refused to rise when I lost everything in one go? It was brutally selfish when it rose at exactly the same time every day, waking up the birds, encouraging them to chirp and move on with the daily chores but there I was, refusing to move ahead, begging for the return of what had been snatched. What happened then? Years passed by and I was pushed to live, though a part of me remained there. In that moment of epiphany, I could never really congregate the measure of my loss. I thought that the world would stop for didn’t the world know what had happened to me? But it didn’t. It took no notice at all. I began creating a cocoon of human activities- interactions, conversations, affections, travel, friends, work and even confusions. When I see people calling my name, or rather not too often relying on me for their work, I know I’m alive. The walls of the room at times encouraged the feeling of numbness in me. But so did the outside world. The places stop making a difference once you’re clutched in the hands of loneliness.

They say, “You can identify yourself in each person you meet and if you don’t, you’re not looking closely enough.” When I started looking closely enough, I just found the world around to be inverted. People I had known to be the weakest seemed to be strong, and those who were known to be the pillars of strength were seen falling apart. I witnessed the most mature people argue and lament like a four year old. When the lens focused to me, I saw nothing different. I was known to be the loudest girl in all the places I’d been so far, been bashed by elders for ‘talking’ too loudly, for ‘laughing’ too loudly and when I looked closely, I found myself to be more comfortable with silences, totally unbothered by the lack of noises around for all the noises I made with my friends, I was still not comfortable talking about my feelings in front of them. When I look too closely, I see myself in people I’ve hurt and that breaks my heart. It aches to know that I could cause such chaos, such misery, but I am trying to be as human as I can be and I think that counts, I beg it should.

You might find this article low-spirited. Encouragement, inspiration, motivation and positivity are what is trending in the first week of the New Year but at this moment it doesn’t work for me and I refuse to buy it. We think we can ignore the illness of loneliness and negativity by ignoring it. Well, how else can a child confront something it doesn’t like? It’s horrible to see yourself wilting and the coldest realization I had was that time was running out.  Do you take care of others or take care of your “inner child”? How do you know things are downhill? Nobody knows it but me. The picture can lie, the smiles can fool and the humour can mislead. “Once you learn how to die, you learn how to live.” I am yet to experience the latter.

The things that we spend time on might not be as important. The run for materialistic things can make you feel hollow. We take the loving relationships and the core things in life for granted and then become unhappy. You need to make time for spiritual things. I wanted to go for Vipassana. Buddhists say, “Don’t cling to things, everything is impermanent. Detach yourself, but detachment doesn’t mean you don’t let the experience penetrate you. On the contrary, you let it penetrate fully. That’s how you’re able to leave it. If you hold your emotions back you can never get to being detached, you’re too busy being afraid. You’re afraid of the pain, and grief that loneliness brings.” I know that word of encouragement are expected, but like the title says, it’s all “inverted” as if ‘Joy’ has entered the part where the dimensions change.

Loneliness is like a monster that won’t leave unless we start loving it; unless we let it penetrate us and learn to deal with it. We ought to get comfortable with it no matter how. Just when people say things are coming to an end, I remember the sun that arose after the darkest of the nights. And that is the time; I embrace the sun, which I once hated. Dreams that give us a good sense of purpose keeps us going. And when I feel like giving up, I remind myself that there is still work to be done. After three days of meditation, I regained my positive self. I had contact with the outside world when I was going and immediately when I came back. Of all the people who know me, knew how happy I was to be there. How amazingly it served me! But only I knew how those days passed with no human touch, when the nights were depressing and we were not supposed to talk, when we had nothing to do but sit in one place for twelve long hours- I was no superhuman who could avoid thoughts for minutes together and those thoughts were devastating but there is something about spirituality that instills the positivity in you. I was happy to be back on track. I didn’t know what magic it did and I know this particular article had that lack of positivity in it, but you have that special ingredient of life now and now you can decide for yourself if the article is really inverted. 

New girl in the city

There are two reasons why I start writing this extravagantly, unusually happy post- the first one being that it was my birthday day before yesterday and I learned something very precious and the second being the pleasure of being the new girl in the city. As I head writing, I’d like to mention that my Bangalore stories are not going to be about the traffic toll or population or the hatred I have towards autos for the number of times I’ve been fooled by them. It has a tinge of the experiences on a personal level. I hope this captures your interest till the very end.

July 8th, 2016 Friday:
I first stepped in Bangalore, not to deny the fact that the city seemed pleasant since the very beginning. Apart from the incident just outside the railway station, where I was fascinated looking at something that closely resembled Kurkure, looked keenly only to spot an eye and realize that it was dried tiny fishes. May be I was more excited to be the “new girl in the city” like Aisha in ‘Wake up Sid’. Since the time I have seen that movie, I wished to write such an article. Well, that’s weird but that’s how it is. I love the way she expressed everything about Mumbai and I wanted to do the same. Long before I had left Ahmedabad, I started envisaging myself in a new city where I’d be independent on a whole another level, and the amount of personal development it would impart just like Ahmedabad did.
So the initial days of finding a place to live in were hell. I wondered how I would survive here but there were two gentle souls who helped me to a great extent in all the difficulties that I faced. One was my dad’s childhood friend and another one was a far off relative- I call my savior and my lifeline in Bangalore. It’s so strange that I had never met these people and still they were doing so much for me. Coming to railway station to pick us up at 3 am and roaming around for about 2 days searching for a place to live without getting irritated was definitely something appreciable. College was fun as expected and I didn’t take much time to seep in. The faculty is amazing but you know what the sad part is, when you’re in your comfort zone and there is not much to worry about, there is less to learn. Moving on to the next phase, as Bangalore is a metropolitan; I met a variety of people coming from different regions of India. I recalled the time when I had difficulty in coping up with Gujarati while my stay in Ahmedabad. I used to feel abandoned and got irritated often hearing a language that was difficult to interpret. And now, I had to deal with Telugu, Tamil, Kannada, Malayalam, Assamese and Bengali all at once. For a person who can relate, knows that it was too much to handle at one go. Surprisingly, I saw myself evolving like a butterfly comes out from a cocoon. I started appreciating the diversity. Four people, four languages sharing one room. Never ever I had seen myself interacting with people so much be it in college or at residence.  As I started learning more about them, I realized each one of us had our own story and a handful of goals to achieve. What brought us closer was the fact that we were all miles away from home, in the streets of Bangalore figuring out ways to deal with the routine problems we faced; like a young one of a bird- hastily shaking its wings to try to learn to fly. We all came with our own bags of dreams and a hope to achieve higher in life.

July 10th, 2016 Sunday:
This was the most abnormal part. While children in hostel wish their parents had stayed longer, I partly wished for their departure. Okay, don’t get me wrong here but the real reason was that since months, I had been waiting for this moment, the moment when I’d be out of my comfort zone. I went along with one of my guardians to drop them. Goodbyes are never easy, even when they are just for a while. I could see my mom crying inside and my Dad scared to leave me in the new city; so far off from home. To all the parents who leave their kids out station so that they can fly and achieve what they wish for, nobody has a heart braver than yours and nobody has their trust so firm. Thank you so much.  After the train departed, we left for our respective destinations. Honestly, the moment mom dad left, I wanted to step back into my comfort zone. I wanted them to stay. I wanted mom to hug me one more time but it was impossible now. Therefore, I just played safe and prayed to God to save me from a horrifying, lonely, Sunday afternoon. My place was supposedly just half an hour ride from the station but neither of us knew the way. Hence, we kept on roaming around for five hours. My prayer was answered, I suppose. This was the first time we began knowing each other. I thought he’d be that nasty guardian who would keep an eye, but there he was- one of the coolest people I had met off late. I found my first friend in him that day, a friend who just made me fall in love with the place all the more, a friend whose mere presence was so comforting, and a friend who never let me feel that I was alone. As it was too late while we reached, we decided to go out for lunch together and delay it all the more. I had already received about 20 calls from home enquiring if I had reached. They were worried and scared and even I was supposed to feel the same but fortunately, the vibe of the person sitting next to me was just too comforting. Gradually over the days, the call frequency decreased as I began settling down like the dust after a storm.

July 17th, 2016 Sunday:
A week had gone by without much chaos or struggle but here was the big deal. A Sunday where you have nowhere to go, nobody to talk much with, nothing to buy but a whole city to explore even though you’re not much aware of the routes and places. Well, I decided to stay back home. My room had a strange environment. The three other girls barely talked initially, even though they were staying with each other for quite long. I thought to myself, “There isn’t even the luxury to rant about the food with anyone.” Over the week, I had come to know one of them whom, I found a little better than the rest. She worked for Amazon. Little did I know her, but we soon shared a great bond. That Sunday was her last weekend with us as she was about to shift to a new place. It hadn't been much long that we had been together but I didn’t want her to leave. I was more scared of losing a company who’d eat the same filthy food with me, share the fruit juice and a walk at night, who’d share those looks when there was that awkward silence in the room or share her experience of stepping out of home for job. That Sunday, we just put on some music while she was busy packing and I was busy studying. This day is still the best Sunday spent so far for no particular reason. But I believe that talking can be comfortable with many but there are rare whose silence is not discomfited.

The growing bond…
It had been so many days since I hadn’t had good food. My taste buds had gone numb and very honestly, the Ahmedabad hostel was million times better than this. I know I’ve always cribbed about food but I wish I could help it. I planned to go to the Gurudwara with my first and the only friend, I explore Bangalore with. And very happily, he never denied the fact that he went there to have ‘langar’ very often.  Well, he has been a rescuer when it comes to hostel food. Firstly, the Sunday lunch, then the Gurudwara and then an ice cream treat. We never ran short of stories to be narrated and things to be shared and of course, the places to be visited. Very cunningly, I had bragged about my love for driving bikes, the fascination of owning one which kind of faded, after I drove his and met with an accident. He is so wonderful that he still kept on encouraging me to drive but my hands were trembling. Well, he continues being a friend who entertains my poor jokes and lame wishes to go to a club while my exams are going on. I still sometimes wonder how he took my silly things so seriously.

July 30th, 2016 Saturday:
It is 20:00 and my heart was still racing, even past an hour and a few minutes. I was still getting those anxiety laughs. This was clearly Bangalore’s first anxiety attack. I could laugh at the fatuity of the incident now, but just a few moments ago, I could hear my heart beat till my ears. It had just been 20 days since I was exploring, enjoying, making new bonds and meeting new people. One of these hilarious, unprecedented and crazy person got everyone out their seats that night. Till now, we had begun sharing our food, clothes, playlists and juices and hence this anxiety attack as well. She made us do what we hadn’t ever done.
I said, half panting, “This is the first time I am entering a Police Station.”
Sangeeta, “Even me”
Amreen, “Dude, my first time was just few moments ago”
Now before you people set out your wild imaginations to hunt, I’d like to mention that we were no criminals or suspects, just three students going to file an FIR for a lost iPhone. As ridiculously ordinary as it might sound, she had forgotten her phone in an auto. I can gladly take the credit for writing a complaint letter while both of them tracked the phone’s location. Not to brag, but yes, we did most of the work ourselves. We were just a uniform away from becoming police officers that day. Lately that night, after getting an innocent beaten up till finally getting the phone back, we were dead tired and decided to rejoice on the Maggie I made and give CID titles to each other. What was special about this incident you might just ask? Well, there was a time when we all were anxious and scared; when Amreen’s mom and grandmother started crying when her phone wasn’t reachable; when I thought I was too immature/young to handle a situation like this; when we faced the situation where two girls had to go along with a young official late at night and it freaking scared the hell out of us. More importantly, in all the mess I was thinking about my Dad, about home. I didn’t want to put myself into unnecessary trouble being some 2000 miles away. I called Dad to ask what should we do but there was no response. But anyway, we managed to find the phone and ourselves safe before 12 am. Phew! that was a big deal. I never really knew we could deal with it so smoothly.

August 21st, 2016 Sunday:
No matter where you are, the happiness after the examinations end doesn’t change. I had just finished my first exam in Carmel and was all set to celebrate Rakshabandhan. Oh yes! Days later, because while everyone was busy celebrating, I was busy studying Biomolecules. I was not home on Rakshabandhan for the first time but it wasn’t that bad as I have a piece of my family even here- my bhaiya and bhabhi. Though we were celebrating it days later, we had an amazing time together. There was not even one moment when I felt that I was meeting this lovely lady (my bhabhi) for the first time. We had met earlier but for a very short time and from that I recall she makes yummy bhajias. The reason I chose to write about this day, was her. She is flawless; a lady I can look up to, a lady whose every bit leaves me inspired. If work be a piece of cake, she definitely has the biggest share of it. And bravery, my dear, is when even after a long day’s work, she returns home with a smile bigger than ever. She plays like a child with her daughter who eagerly waits for her mommy to return home and it is so appreciable that she the little one is never disappointed. Looking at her, I realize that there is so much that the society expects from a woman and she has been tremendously caring, loving and thoughtful. Hats off to you superwoman!


Few days later…
Humans always suffer with mood swings and I did the same. So far, everything was manageable but now, things got out of hand. I lost some old friends and wasn’t attached to new ones so far except one. I felt low but tried hard to keep my calm. I got thoughts of changing my career plans and what not, but I kept on hoping for it to get better. Classes had turned boring after the fest and freshers' week had ended. My birthday was approaching and sadly the one whom I wanted to celebrate with, had gone home. I thought I’d go on a date with myself not because I was turning a lonely lunatic but because I really needed to spend some time with myself. I wanted a hot chocolate with Vanilla and a good book and some peace after these long hectic weeks where I worked so much.
I was excited. I was finally going to be 21. I wanted a new dress. I wanted a new look. I wanted to look young. I wanted to slay. This was quite not how most of my acquaintances’ expect me to be. Bangalore was bringing out a hidden personality and I pretty much liked it.
Damn! I just found out that 9th of September would be a strike again. I had had enough of this bullshit already and I was super agitated when I found out all my plans were ruined. For God’s sake, I had been thinking about the day since a year back. I used to wonder where I’d be on my next birthday, whom would I celebrate it with and in which part of Earth and Wow! What an amazing news this was. I knew I’d be locked up in my hostel room. Birthday party venue: Sanjaynagar, Bengaluru, India. PS:- Outsiders not allowed. It’d surely be a great day.

September 9th, 2016 Friday:
Let me just read out my diary because I made sure not to miss an emotion that day. I didn’t sleep before turning everything into words.
 “It is time for vague optimism. A 24 hour day seemed shorter. There was no hurry, nowhere to go, nothing to see outside the boundaries of these yellow painted hostel walls, but sometimes all you need to do is just look around and find a reason to believe that you are special, that you are loved, that you occupy space and hence you MATTER.  Today on my birthday, I just couldn’t find time to stop counting my blessings. How amazingly mom dad had planned to wish me first. The number of people wanting to wish me first, the way people I thought were not so attached took efforts to get a cake at midnight just to make the moment more special. While I was away from home, the amount of Facebook, Instagram and Whatsapp messages and posts flooding in left me speechless. I just looked back for a moment and thought that few days back I was thinking I’d be alone and here I was, couldn’t even spare  a moment with myself because the number of loving people God has showered me with. May be a part of me would just say that it isn’t a big deal if 1 day out of 365 is spared to make u feel special, but amid the busy life and all the problems that the universe has to offer, we do forget to express our love. I wonder how we mean so much to so many people but we never realize why. I thank each one of you who took out a moment to wish me and make my day so much more special. To the poem and the messages and posts, to a stranger who took me out for the ice cream, to the room mate who spared time for a walk, to the others who got the cake, to the one who troubled me by not wishing me when I expected the most out of him, to all the unexpected phone calls, to the family members for unconditional love and to the most amazing parents and sister who gave me this life, I thank you all beautiful souls. I am me because of your love, because of your contributions, because of your time that you invest in me.”

PC: Google Images

To all the people who are reading this, when you feel low, just step out and look around. God has blessed us with angels in disguise and there are not one, but many reasons to believe life is beautiful and worth living, and that you are precious and amazing no matter what. While I wind up with this unusually long post, I feel the pressure to narrate another small incident before signing off. This might have happened with a lot of you but it somehow demands my attention. A few days back, I was waiting for my bus to arrive. There was a young gentleman sitting on my right. An old lady came up peeping to look for the bus. He immediately got up and offered her to sit. Well, that little act of kindness touched me. It is common and still rare. Yes, kind people are hard to find. And I am glad I just gathered all my courage to go up to him and say, “I really appreciate your sensitivity towards people. Thank you!” I am sure I made his day while he left a bit of me happy and inspired.
This sounds like an acknowledgement page but I really wanted to take a moment to count my blessings and I just hope reading this provokes you to count yours. For the people who say I always bring in light, I don’t know if this ray would be as bright and I realize I am being awfully dubious these days about my posts but I’m sure you’ll forgive me for that.

A rather disturbing event

I just came back from college and logged into Facebook as is the regular schedule. Life has been hectic in the past month. Not that I had nothing to write about, but couldn't spare time to do so. However, this news compelled me to come back here where I pour out.
Warning: This post is going to be impromptu because A. I cannot take in more regrets for today. B. I keep on hearing these days that my posts are impulsive though I thought they were opinions deeply thought over. Anyway, I respect perceptions. Peace!
Getting back to the point, I logged into Facebook and saw so many "RIP Shahrukh" posts from my friends. I was confused. I couldn't collect my thoughts and gather a logical conclusion. I thought hard to recall all the people I met so far, but I have a lame memory when it comes to people. Suddenly, I recalled I had a batch mate with this name. I tapped on the name appearing in blue highlights and there opened a profile with a familiar face, a familiar smile that was exchanged few years ago in the school corridors. I recalled the casual greetings exchanged. I was struck with horror after hearing that he passed away the previous night. Also, I recalled one of my close friends mentioning that he had a life threatening disease. I got anxious and probed for more information from relevant people and I found out that he had been suffering from blood cancer. I hadn't ever felt more regret than this moment. I wish I would have talked to him; at least a couple of times.
I could have talked to him to may be convey better hospital and doctor options since I have had a close experience. May be getting him in touch with other cancer survivors I know. I know it would have not changed the reality, but at least got any hope or will power to him. The least I could do was to be just another friend to talk to in hard times. He went through two failed bone marrow transplants as per a friend. I couldn't be more absorbed with ruefulness at that moment.  I don't know if talking to one person in a lifetime makes a difference or not, if my presence had changed things or not, neither am I blaming myself for anything rather I feel that I don't hold an authority to even blame myself for anything related to an event as big as death, but there was a time when I had decided to touch lives of people who go through the same and this person was around me for ALL the time and I had been stupidly ignorant. I really feel awful today. May be, life is as such. We get carried away with the awful daily routine of ours and forget what could be more important. I feel that after this I'm definitely going to look around and work for the bit that I feel I'm responsible to do.
I haven't ever posted such a personal thing on the blog, but just after this happened and I told my brother about how miserable and regretful I felt, he brought in a faint ray of hope for me saying, "It was God's will. Everybody is bound to leave someday." I haven't heard of more clichéd and pathetically true lines than these, but what he said later moved me. "Time won't come back, but all you can do is learn a lesson and develop perseverance for your goals and resolutions to touch people's lives if you really want to and the universe will open its ways for you." There is no concrete reason today for me to write this article, but it just feels right to do so; as if it is the most I can do right now apart from praying for him and his family. This is the only way I can manage to pay tribute to a fighter, a friend may be- I wish I could call him so, but the Facebook wall would still blink an 'Add Friend' option.

Lately, I had been reading, "The lovely bones" by Alice Sebold. I haven't reached the end yet, but it is about a girl who was murdered by her neighbour. She describes how heaven is and how she watches everything from above, how her soul touches some people while she leaves how she watches her family and the immeasurable void that death leaves on her family. I wish he gets the heaven as beautiful and I wish that his family is blessed with the strength to bear the huge loss. Amen!

Watch your means of entertainment!

This might just sound like an impulsive rant, but today, I got into a debate which sadly turned into a heated argument with a male friend of mine. The next thing that hit me was the idea to bring up this issue on the blog. It did affect me earlier, but not as intensely as it does in this moment after knowing how the mentality of most people has moulded. The topic of discussion, as most of you might be wondering is the idea of 'item songs' being celebrated in the country. I am sure we can have varying opinions and perspectives towards things and I have been a kind of person who has respected all the opinions, even if not agreed to them but this case, somehow fails to get into my head with peace.

At this point, my dear readers, I would like to ask you how many times have you appreciated a boy dancing on chikni chameli or any other item song. So yes, I would refer to the majority right now. Little girls grow up dancing on such songs, be it a family gathering or any other public event and they are encouraged and applauded for it. Deep down  doesn't this gets in their mind that it is just another, more effective or may be the only way to get accepted in a male dominated society. The lyrics, the aura, the kind of clothes that the actresses wear and the way she is being responded to- everything is just so demeaning; defying and suppressing the existence of women as an equal gender. I do not blame the makers for this, for they'll only make what sells. Neither do I blame the actors who role play item girls and allow their bodies get objectified. Of course, they do hold a moral responsibility to think about the adverse effects of their roles and what their performance does to the society but it is an individual choice, at the end. I blame the viewers. People who label this as a means of entertainment. What is it that they are getting entertained by? The drunkards in the side light of a female who is half exposing her body for money or the lyrics that basically portray women to be objects of use for men? I just have one question. Will they get entertained in the same way if the same is being performed by their sisters, mothers or female friends? I don't seek an answer to this question. It is for you to think. As Ani DiFranco rightly said, "Either you are a feminist or you are a sexist/misogynist. There is no box marked other."

Some people might just say that even women enjoy seeing the male actors going shirtless on screen, isn't that just as wrong? The answer is yes, maybe. The basic idea of this article is to convey that objectifying body and condescending any gender should not be seen as a source of entertainment.

                                      PC : Google images

It is very easy to put the blame on males for everything wrong that happens to women. Item songs have basically fostered eve teasing, I strongly believe. Not just that, they have also led men to think that it is okay to call women 'hot', 'chick', 'sexy', 'maal', 'patakha', etc. Sorry but these are not compliments. They just make us feel disrespected. Coming back to the point, these songs and the way they are celebrated and followed make things seem okay; even if they condemn women. What would you expect from a boy who grows up in a prostitution house? Will he ever respect women or extol their existence? And similarly, a country where item songs are appreciated, will there ever be something called gender equality no matter how many feminists fight for it?
To a friend whom I couldn't get to agree on this, thanks for the idea of the new post. I hope to get across my point through a handful of people who will stop watching/encouraging/appreciating such gross ideas. I hope that all this will stop one day so that India becomes a better place to live in; a place where bodies are not objectified and genders are not discriminated.

PC : Google images

PS: Please feel free to add your opinions in the comments section.

Opinionated

In the recent world, where advancement is on the spree, education seconds the basic desideratum. As a student, after so much quelling, I fail to resist myself and I feel an opinion is called for as it is we, who are being used for performing the experiments.

In the midst of busy schedules, assignments, tests and various kinds of entrance exams; one question strikes hard everyday when I start working. Let us rewind our lives a little and go back to secondary school. How do you see yourself? Most of us have memories of the coaching institute we were sent to. Some of us might have taken studies seriously and others might have enjoyed fooling around. Whatever the case may be, the question arises about how much information do we still retain? How much polishing of our thinking and analytical skills has taken place? I am sure, if you are an Indian, your answers about these questions are more or less the same. Courses were rushed and only a couple of students tried to understand the logic behind the concepts. Somehow, I feel that the syllabus is way beyond what it should be. To me, the education system has turned out to be quantitative rather than qualitative. Being a science student, when I first stepped in class XI, I was filled with enthusiasm and I won't hesitate to admit that I am a curious cat and I guess we all have that curiosity, rather we should have, shouldn't we? As the days passed by, the cat was murdered by the stress the syllabus imparted and learning became limited; grades occupied most of the conversations and thought process, rather than logic and reasoning.
To share my experience, I recall the times when I got carried away by situations and the kind of life I was living. I was stupid enough to ask doubts that required applying simple common sense. It now worries me so much that the entire purpose of education and learning is being annihilated. However, passing the high school felt as if I had got through the stressful phase of my life and of course, I couldn't have been more wrong. I managed to get a seat in a good college. Exhilarated and ready to learn, after all, three years later, I would have a graduation degree in my subject. I had my plans for research. I started maintaining a journal in which I would write about my future research plans. The first year passed and so did second and here I am at the verge of the end of three years of graduation with precisely no new information. These three years passed with learning everything again that I did previously. The only difference is that the focus remained on one subject i.e., the syllabus gets reduced and we get an additional year.
I wonder if the past five years of education makes sense to anybody! Isn't it high time to bring a change in the system so that it ensures both quality and quantity. How about merging the five years and ensuring employment of teachers who not just focus on completing the syllabus but help students enhance their logical and analytical reasoning. I embark on the glory even before the change- the kind of doctors, scientists and teachers that our country will have then. It is said that one of the main problems in India is unemployment but one of my teachers rightly says, "The problem is not unemployment but the problem is that there are less number of people efficient enough to be employed so we generally choose the best of what is available."

                     PC: Google images

PS: By this post, I do not mean to criticize any specific school, college or the system makers. No offense but let's take things seriously and work for change- for betterment of the generations to come.

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