How different shall I be?

I look at my mom,
And my eyes cease for a while,
Adoring the way she loves,
Her selfless instinct and the knowing look, 
To serve the best she can
And be the epitome of a loving soul.

Then in epiphany,
I feel,
how different shall I be!
For a fear haunts me to be like her,
The way everyone takes her for granted
All her selflessness left unrecognized and unrewarded.

How different shall I be?
I ponder....To be on a safer side!

PS: This poem is dedicated to my Mom!

The little girl in me whom I killed

The only thing that envisaged this post, again, was a Facebook memory pop-up. Yes! Again. Because I had dropped the idea of putting something impulsively gloomy. As clichéd and horrendous as it might sound for the people who know me, it was a mere memory of a previous blog post that urges me to jot this down.

Honestly, there have been many valuable bits that I wanted to pen down recently- all happy, extravagantly happy and a few sad ones. Bangalore, sure has been torturing and nurturing in its own way. It has been evolving me in ways unexpected. The only reason I have not been writing is the hectic schedule. The oldest and most unacceptable excuse one could ever make but hold on; I swear this is not a lie. This post, dear friends, is a manifestation of the Human Physiology class on a boring Thursday morning.

As you get the hints of this being yet another post describing a birthday celebration, I confess, some of it is but I promise you shall pick up bits and pieces for yourself too.

Reel.. reel.. reel..

Rewinding life to 20 days back:

As angry and frustrated as I could be, I wanted to break loose of the virtual chains that I felt held me for more time than I could bear. I found myself stuck. Stuck in the air of partial allowances, partial freedom. This air choked me. I always felt like I wanted to break free of the chains that I cannot see but only feel. The chains that keep me tied, though I do not know to what. I fail to comprehend the answer to this question. At times, I feel the unworthiness of being at peace with these chains that hold me. The ones that ask me to shut up when I speak loudly, or the ones that ask me to wear skirts less often, or the ones that ask me to be home before the sun sets. "I wanted to break free and I shall do that and not regret it under any circumstance", I thought.

I was trapped in an illusion of dependency, an illusion of a lack of freedom.

To all the people who have felt the same ever, this is what you need to do- A. Tell yourself that you are stupid and you are beginning to weave a story which shall be a trap. B. Sleep on it.

I cannot fathom the way to make you appreciate the authenticity of this suggestion, but that's what I was made to do and it worked wonders. However, I emphasize that it wouldn't have worked this wonderfully lest I decided to apply it. I started reading a book titled, "The Power Of Your Subconscious Mind" by Dr. Joseph Murphy and came across a really nice anecdote I could relate to. Here it goes-

"Once Enrico Caruso, the great operatic tenor, was struck with stage fright. Spasms caused by intense fear constricted the muscles of his throat. His vocal cords felt paralyzed, useless. He stood backstage, already in costume, while perspiration poured down his face. In just moments, he was supposed to go out on stage and sing, before an eager audience of thousands.

Trembling, he said, "I can't sing. They will laugh at me. My career is finished."

He turned to go back to his dressing room, then suddenly, he stopped and shouted, "The little me is trying to strangle the Big me within!"

He turned toward the stage again and stood taller. "Get out of here," he commanded, addressing the Little Me. "The Big Me wants to sing through me."

..... When the call came, he walked out onstage and sang gloriously and majestically. The audience was enthralled." 
I had read this long back but never really gone deep into it. However, I followed that suggestion and the next morning when I woke up- I was the same but the urge to escape was a little less, the comfort in the air was a little more and the aura of acceptance within had increased several fold. The dust had settled after the emotional turmoil. I wish I could recall in detail what was the process of the huge transformation in that one small afternoon. All I can do is, sum it up in one sentence: The 'Little Me' always tries to strangle the 'Big Me' within. It was the little girl in me whom I killed. That's what we need to do at times. Once you kill it, you're free. You have the power to do almost anything that you set your mind to.

In both the cases, nothing in the outer world had changed; it was only the mindset within. It is about you, always. This is what I learnt in one afternoon, but actually in years of craving for independence. 

Moving forward to my Birthday:

Apart from the Facebook pop-up, I must admit that it is a word of encouragement from a friend who led me to something that you read on the screen before you. It is also to recall how amazing a birthday celebration I've had. As one of my friends rightly said, "We will not just celebrate this as your BirthDAY... Let's make it a Birthday Weekend." I remember the post published last Birthday and reading through that somehow amazed me that how happy and beautiful life has been. How each person on my priority list continues to be so loving, living up to all the expectations and dreams that we weave through. Hence, my dearest bhaiya, I cannot tell you how much I missed you last year, Oh wait, not you. Only the fun that we had this time. And before I go ahead, let me please steal a moment to thank all the people who made it a day worth remembering and a life, worth living. To the friends who arranged a surprise party a day before, thank you that you moved your lazy asses on a holiday and went that extra mile to make me feel special. To the long distance friend, who struggled for a month to find my kind of  tshrt for me, I'm sorry for being a trouble but you know how I love to see you working hard for these little things. To the roommate who arranged cakes, gift and card all by herself just to show how much I mean to her, I'd say I am glad to have you. To that idiot who woke up early just to say, "Good morning, birthday girl" and to the person who wrote the beautiful poem for me, thank you! I shall cherish that life long. To the siblings who are yet to send in their gifts, I'll thank you later, but you definitely make me laugh a little harder. To my lifeline here, I cannot thank you ever enough because you will never be able to comprehend how beautiful you make my life here (apart from the nasty scoldings when I was ill). That little cupcake with wishes scribbled by the spoon was the cutest thing ever. Thank you for the paramount attention and time that you render to me. Also, to all the people who flooded my inbox with so many good wishes, thank you so much! I know this gets a little too personal here, but, dear readers, the purpose is to make you realize that there are little things in life that we need to be happy about. There are times when people will make us feel special and there will also be times when we need to tell ourselves that we are important and our existence should be worthy. My brother says that we are like a speck of dust in the universe and our existence shall make little or no difference to it. But, here we are, not to make a difference to it, but to make a difference for ourselves.

Let me not drag this like most of my conversations, the reason to connect this is that just a few days back the air choked me because I thought I had no freedom. And look at the irony, the girl who cribbed about freedom was doing all that she ever wanted to do, having an almost perfect celebration for Birthday. Of course, we all have our own definition of freedom and I remodeled mine too. 

PC:Google Images

I wouldn't get into the details of how, what and when but all I want to say is that I just decided to believe that it was a false story my mind was trying to make up. Guess what, the universe did manifest to prove that all those were just false stories and there was nothing that I was bound to! Nothing changed and yet everything did. 

The "Little Me" is present in all of us. It will always try to belittle us, tell us that we aren't loved, we aren't capable and we cannot have what we wish for. All we need to do is Shut it up as all the beauty and love in the universe is just waiting for us to grab it.

With love. Delivered to: Heaven

In the memory of the most special soul I am blessed with.


With a laughter worn like a crown,
you giggled in the blazing sun,
and cracked me up at the break of the dawn.
Missing you in randomness,
I hug the doll that you used to kiss.
Are you still here in the midst of lights,
Or in the joyful nights that set me upright?

Do you still savour the time,
when we baked not a cake,
but had one for 'their' date?
Do you still relish playing outside with kids,
and tell them the tales of your new home?
Or push the stars to sleep on their own. 
Do you still like having the TV remote,
Or do you now rejoice in nature's beauty alone?

Your eyes being your greatest asset,
I wonder if they're still on my clothes;
Or do they now just follow me back home.
Your tresses being your first love,
I wonder if you now like mine,
Or do you just embrace the beauty within that shines?

Your white frock that longs to be worn,
do you still like it the same?
Or do you now embrace the new one,
that might be just as great.
Your benignity made a mark on the world,
Are you proud of it?
Or did you just enjoy playing in the mud.

Are you here with me?
Like you've always wanted to be?
In your angelic appearance,
that always fascinated you as wee.
Do you cry when my sorrow vines?
Or just shower the light of the Divine.

Though I buried you in your grave,
you did not die.
I know you're there,
kissing me every time I cry.

MAKING NO SENSE IS SENSE

The other day we had a new roommate in our room. She was a 35- year old woman amidst the twenties-people in the room. It isn’t ambiguous that she must have felt lost. I must say she must have a good observation that just the next day she told me, “I have never seen a person as confused as you. *laughs*” This statement came when I couldn’t decide whether to have breakfast first or go take a bath. Oh yes! At times it takes me 10 whole minutes to decide things as simple as this. I guess I could make anyone feel better who thinks he/she has lost her way in life because I have always found myself “lost and obfuscated”. Well, jokes apart! Unambiguity and uncertainty, both are a part of life and hence we all think before we take up any big decision that might lead to a different road in life. I often find myself making the simplest situations seem cryptic, not knowing where to go, which path to take. There are so many people out there to tell you what to do (especially if you’re a girl). I don’t mean to bring out the sexist, feminist or misogynist view here, but let’s agree to the fact that there is hell lot of gender stereotyping in our country and there is no escape from it no matter how hard you try. Okay, I diverted here. Let me get straight to the point why I decided to write this. Let me not make this “cryptic” for you. Let me not make it apparent that this isn’t like a life which now and then feels like a spider web. I write this because someday during the monsoons, this girl realized that life was always about FINDING YOUR TRUTH. No matter if N number of saints told you that there is no definite truth, but most of us love categorizing things in two extreme directions. On one hand, we have our life mentors guiding us on what is right and what is not and on the other hand, at times we find ourselves doing things that doesn’t fit into everyone’s right. Some of us might have known by now where do we have to reach even if we don’t know a way to it. Like that castle which you can see on the mountain top. Though not knowing the way is blasphemous and there will be always at least two ways shown to you every single time you are confused. Sure, we can choose to take the path most travelled but remember there is a road from everywhere you step in. There aren’t just circumscribed ways to reach your castle. The way to the top is foggy. You can surely follow the voice of a known person you hear from a distance, but remember there could be a shortcut that you might miss.

I know we are compelled to find the best version of ourselves despite the emotional turmoils. Someone wise once said, life is short and spending it well isn’t always about following someone great. It is about having the conviction to go your way and finding your truth. No comparing yourself to anyone, no trying to fit in other people’s “right” even if it makes no sense to others. What is the point if it doesn’t make you feel ten feet tall, if it doesn’t make you feel extraordinary, if it doesn’t lead you to where you want to go. After all, we only get one life. Why not spend it well. Why not be brave enough to be the only ones whom it makes sense to. All I found out is that you do not have to get consumed, you have to prevail.

“The universe is under no obligation to make sense to you.” [Source: Google Images]
And neither are you.

        Picture Courtesy: Google Images

INVERTED

I came across the book The Lonely City, and out of all the other choices I had, I clicked on “Want to read” only under that particular book. Immediately, I pondered what makes me do that. Why didn’t I bother to explore the other books? I am a person who spends a fair amount of time with people, and not to brag, but many are too close to my heart. But to my surprise, I find myself lonely right in the mornings, at times. Aren’t mornings supposed to be happy and refreshing? Isn’t the sun meant to be symbolic of a ray of hope? But very often, I find the sun to be depressing and the night to be healing. The sun, reminding me of the battles I lost yesterday while the stars seeping peace into my soul with each moment I spend staring at them. I find myself hating the sun. Shouldn’t it stop when it knows that the world had come to an end for me before the dawn? Shouldn’t it have refused to rise when I lost everything in one go? It was brutally selfish when it rose at exactly the same time every day, waking up the birds, encouraging them to chirp and move on with the daily chores but there I was, refusing to move ahead, begging for the return of what had been snatched. What happened then? Years passed by and I was pushed to live, though a part of me remained there. In that moment of epiphany, I could never really congregate the measure of my loss. I thought that the world would stop for didn’t the world know what had happened to me? But it didn’t. It took no notice at all. I began creating a cocoon of human activities- interactions, conversations, affections, travel, friends, work and even confusions. When I see people calling my name, or rather not too often relying on me for their work, I know I’m alive. The walls of the room at times encouraged the feeling of numbness in me. But so did the outside world. The places stop making a difference once you’re clutched in the hands of loneliness.

They say, “You can identify yourself in each person you meet and if you don’t, you’re not looking closely enough.” When I started looking closely enough, I just found the world around to be inverted. People I had known to be the weakest seemed to be strong, and those who were known to be the pillars of strength were seen falling apart. I witnessed the most mature people argue and lament like a four year old. When the lens focused to me, I saw nothing different. I was known to be the loudest girl in all the places I’d been so far, been bashed by elders for ‘talking’ too loudly, for ‘laughing’ too loudly and when I looked closely, I found myself to be more comfortable with silences, totally unbothered by the lack of noises around for all the noises I made with my friends, I was still not comfortable talking about my feelings in front of them. When I look too closely, I see myself in people I’ve hurt and that breaks my heart. It aches to know that I could cause such chaos, such misery, but I am trying to be as human as I can be and I think that counts, I beg it should.

You might find this article low-spirited. Encouragement, inspiration, motivation and positivity are what is trending in the first week of the New Year but at this moment it doesn’t work for me and I refuse to buy it. We think we can ignore the illness of loneliness and negativity by ignoring it. Well, how else can a child confront something it doesn’t like? It’s horrible to see yourself wilting and the coldest realization I had was that time was running out.  Do you take care of others or take care of your “inner child”? How do you know things are downhill? Nobody knows it but me. The picture can lie, the smiles can fool and the humour can mislead. “Once you learn how to die, you learn how to live.” I am yet to experience the latter.

The things that we spend time on might not be as important. The run for materialistic things can make you feel hollow. We take the loving relationships and the core things in life for granted and then become unhappy. You need to make time for spiritual things. I wanted to go for Vipassana. Buddhists say, “Don’t cling to things, everything is impermanent. Detach yourself, but detachment doesn’t mean you don’t let the experience penetrate you. On the contrary, you let it penetrate fully. That’s how you’re able to leave it. If you hold your emotions back you can never get to being detached, you’re too busy being afraid. You’re afraid of the pain, and grief that loneliness brings.” I know that word of encouragement are expected, but like the title says, it’s all “inverted” as if ‘Joy’ has entered the part where the dimensions change.

Loneliness is like a monster that won’t leave unless we start loving it; unless we let it penetrate us and learn to deal with it. We ought to get comfortable with it no matter how. Just when people say things are coming to an end, I remember the sun that arose after the darkest of the nights. And that is the time; I embrace the sun, which I once hated. Dreams that give us a good sense of purpose keeps us going. And when I feel like giving up, I remind myself that there is still work to be done. After three days of meditation, I regained my positive self. I had contact with the outside world when I was going and immediately when I came back. Of all the people who know me, knew how happy I was to be there. How amazingly it served me! But only I knew how those days passed with no human touch, when the nights were depressing and we were not supposed to talk, when we had nothing to do but sit in one place for twelve long hours- I was no superhuman who could avoid thoughts for minutes together and those thoughts were devastating but there is something about spirituality that instills the positivity in you. I was happy to be back on track. I didn’t know what magic it did and I know this particular article had that lack of positivity in it, but you have that special ingredient of life now and now you can decide for yourself if the article is really inverted.