I just came back from college and logged into Facebook as is the regular schedule. Life has been hectic in the past month. Not that I had nothing to write about, but couldn't spare time to do so. However, this news compelled me to come back here where I pour out.
Warning: This post is going to be impromptu because A. I cannot take in more regrets for today. B. I keep on hearing these days that my posts are impulsive though I thought they were opinions deeply thought over. Anyway, I respect perceptions. Peace!
Getting back to the point, I logged into Facebook and saw so many "RIP Shahrukh" posts from my friends. I was confused. I couldn't collect my thoughts and gather a logical conclusion. I thought hard to recall all the people I met so far, but I have a lame memory when it comes to people. Suddenly, I recalled I had a batch mate with this name. I tapped on the name appearing in blue highlights and there opened a profile with a familiar face, a familiar smile that was exchanged few years ago in the school corridors. I recalled the casual greetings exchanged. I was struck with horror after hearing that he passed away the previous night. Also, I recalled one of my close friends mentioning that he had a life threatening disease. I got anxious and probed for more information from relevant people and I found out that he had been suffering from blood cancer. I hadn't ever felt more regret than this moment. I wish I would have talked to him; at least a couple of times.
I could have talked to him to may be convey better hospital and doctor options since I have had a close experience. May be getting him in touch with other cancer survivors I know. I know it would have not changed the reality, but at least got any hope or will power to him. The least I could do was to be just another friend to talk to in hard times. He went through two failed bone marrow transplants as per a friend. I couldn't be more absorbed with ruefulness at that moment. I don't know if talking to one person in a lifetime makes a difference or not, if my presence had changed things or not, neither am I blaming myself for anything rather I feel that I don't hold an authority to even blame myself for anything related to an event as big as death, but there was a time when I had decided to touch lives of people who go through the same and this person was around me for ALL the time and I had been stupidly ignorant. I really feel awful today. May be, life is as such. We get carried away with the awful daily routine of ours and forget what could be more important. I feel that after this I'm definitely going to look around and work for the bit that I feel I'm responsible to do.
I haven't ever posted such a personal thing on the blog, but just after this happened and I told my brother about how miserable and regretful I felt, he brought in a faint ray of hope for me saying, "It was God's will. Everybody is bound to leave someday." I haven't heard of more clichéd and pathetically true lines than these, but what he said later moved me. "Time won't come back, but all you can do is learn a lesson and develop perseverance for your goals and resolutions to touch people's lives if you really want to and the universe will open its ways for you." There is no concrete reason today for me to write this article, but it just feels right to do so; as if it is the most I can do right now apart from praying for him and his family. This is the only way I can manage to pay tribute to a fighter, a friend may be- I wish I could call him so, but the Facebook wall would still blink an 'Add Friend' option.
Lately, I had been reading, "The lovely bones" by Alice Sebold. I haven't reached the end yet, but it is about a girl who was murdered by her neighbour. She describes how heaven is and how she watches everything from above, how her soul touches some people while she leaves how she watches her family and the immeasurable void that death leaves on her family. I wish he gets the heaven as beautiful and I wish that his family is blessed with the strength to bear the huge loss. Amen!
