Nostalgia is a liar! It wraps up your memories into the best packaging especially when you're trying to leave someone and does the complete opposite when you're trying to hold on to the memories of someone- Bam! you cannot recall a single thing. Leaving someone isn't easy, it's not a one time jump from a cliff, it's a process that you go through every morning you wake up and every night you spend. What is that someone is YOU- A version of you, a version that's no longer serving any good? People keep stressing how we should be unapologetically ourselves, but don't you think it is important to stop, acknowledge that at times we can be toxic too and owe ourselves an apology? I was aware that growing up comes along with a lot of heartbreaks, what I didn't know was that the heartbreaks didn't just mean ending your first relationship, it also meant facing the world you're not prepared for after college. It's ruthless out there! Sometimes we give so much to everyone and everything that after a point it starts feeling empty, misplaced and lost. I could no longer recognize the person that I had become in these past few months. I went from being strong and fierce to letting people overstep, from hardworking to taking things for granted, from being wise to absolutely foolish. I made plenty of mistakes after I landed my dream job, lost it all in a whim and then let love destroy me in ways unimaginable. In the past 1.5 years that I was away, I tried writing several articles after each heartbreak, but somehow nothing felt good enough to post. I guess a part of me was also going through an identity crisis, it wasn't just a writers' block, it was a truckload of self-doubt if I could ever write again. What suddenly changed is that this self-doubt started leaking into other aspects and then followed a sudden need to cut off this gruesome thought process. A cycle of constant falling into my comfort zone, sticking to it and denying the reality made me go through a lot of discomfort and unworthy experiences that I was never meant for. However, discomfort is also a price we pay for learning something crucial. The universe has a magical power to first put you in it and then help you through it. I've never been underwater for so long. I'm not sure if I'm compiling a story to tell right now, an experience that I cherish or a lesson to share, all I know is that I am desperately trying to be myself, to be someone brave to share her stories, to not seek validation and get over the fear of not being perfect, to pick up the pen and just feel right about it. Like I belong here, in these pages and words that have always kept my spirits high. We all need to lose that version of ourselves over and over again until we wake up and realize that it doesn't exist anymore. The beauty of life is that each moment is going to be a choice- to change, to evolve, to be different, to be better. No one is entitled to any more time than you are comfortable sharing yourself and that has been the most empowering thing I have learnt in the past year. So be selfish! Not everyone is worthy of experiencing the universe inside you or knowing the struggles you go through when you build yourself. We hurt, we heal, we grow! In no time, you will find yourself dreaming again, believing in your dreams, making them come true and meanwhile, there will always be mountains to climb and sunsets to watch.
PS: In these testing times, if you've been surviving too, I'm proud of you.
